Gotta love the heart... (Written 8-17-2010)

Today, I went on a hike up to Half Dome. All the flipping way up to the top.

And today, me and God had some good heart to heart thoughts. I remember one of my first camping experiences and we were hiking and on our way to go fishing. We had to go down a somewhat steep rock and I remember my dad telling us to “trust our feet”. That phrase has grown with me ever since, and today, God brought it up again.

As soon as I remembered, “Trust your feet.”, God told me, “Trust your heart.” So I walked and I thought with God.

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt anything from God. There’s been massive amounts of frustration on my end for it, too. There’s nothing like loving God, but feeling like He’s not saying anything to you. Really, it’s utterly irritating, but whatever.

And it’s been a long while since I’ve really been to church. I mean, I’ve visited a few here and there, but my heart has never clicked in any but one, this year, and it’s five hours north. Instead, my heart has clicked with people and I’ve put a lot of focus into friendship. It’s been a beautiful experience of learning to let go and just be.

It’s been awhile since I’ve read my Bible. It’s a sword, a weapon, a love story, wisdom, and knowledge. I know this. I love the Word and all it has brought me over the years, but this year, I’ve hardly touched it. I can’t. I try, and every once in a while, I’ll finally be able to sink my heart into its goodness and revel in awe, but for the most part, I just walk away frustrated. But something in me is changing and I have a feeling I’ll be seeing things a little differently soon.

Now, I’m not saying don’t go to church and don’t read your Bible. This is just the “journey” (as much as I hate that freaking word) I’m on. I’m just doing what my heart says to.

“Trust your heart.”

It’s not the first time I’ve heard this. It most likely won’t be the last, but there’s always something different going on in me when it is brought up. I’m finding that God lives even more out of the box than I imagined. He’s not angry with me for not attending church or reading my Bible. He adores me. He’s showing me things outside of these events that are being taken to my core being. He’s showing me how to dream again and to pursue what’s in my heart.

I trust my heart because He lives there.
I trust my heart because His goodness thrives there.
I trust my heart because He has placed dreams within me that belong to only me.
I trust my heart because no matter what happens, I am outrageously loved by the Creator and nothing I do can or will stop that.

There’s something about understanding that His love for us can’t diminish or lessen that blows my mind. He is truly good. Goodness is the core of who He is. He loves without holding back. He can’t help but love because that is who He is! He is flipping LOVE. He can’t not be good. It just won’t happen.

And when we trust this Love that lives in us, there is greatness that flows from us to those around us. And when we trust our hearts, we realize that we are no longer sinners because we were made new the moment we said we wanted to relate to Jesus (Yes, we still make mistakes and have to clean up messes, but it’s no longer in our nature to sin because we have been made new. So stop calling yourself a sinner! You’re saved!). When we trust our hearts, our dreams become a reality because God is bigger than everything and can make ANYTHING happen. Believe me, I’ve seen and heard some cool stuff and that includes resurrection. God is BIG and we can go beyond our questions and fears and tap into that bigness if we choose. Ever seen a leg grow out? I have. Ever hear about cancer being instantly healed? Acne instantly disappearing? Broken bones instantly mending? Depression and mental health issues dissipating? People with paralysis miraculously walking? The blind and deaf seeing and hearing instantly? I have. It’s real, friends. And when we trust our hearts, we allow ourselves to dream BIG because no dream is too big and no dream is too small. Your dream is your dream. If there’s a passion in your heart that needs to be let out, it’s because God created you with it, so let it out. When we trust our hearts, we allow ourselves to risk being open, honest, and vulnerable. Follow your heart. Trust your heart.

I find that most of the time, God is just waiting for me to make a move. He’s already said yes to my dreams, to my heart, to who I am, so it’s my choice to choose where that goes. He’s a big Yes guy. He loves to say yes to your heart! It’s when we choose to only wait for a yes that we miss some things… When I wanted to move to Redding, I didn’t hear a thing from God, but I wanted to do it, so I did. I can’t tell you how much that decision was probably one of the best of my life. If I hadn’t done that, I would have missed out on some valuable puzzle pieces to unanswered questions. Because I trusted my heart, I found things I needed and God opened doors. I took a risk and I partnered with Him and BOOM, goodness happened.

When our hearts are aligned to his and we have trust in it, all things will be worked together for our good.

So, really. Trust. Your. Heart.

What’s it telling you?

It was supposed to rain today. It didn't rain from the sky anyway. My eyes, though...they let rain fall out of them as if they were the sky itself.

I cried three times today.

Earlier today, I assisted a friend while she showed Potter's House students how to collage their own journal. She talked for a few minutes, telling her story of how she came into the journal-making business. Might I add that she is brilliant and makes the most amazing journals ever? Mandy Holt is her name and you can find her fan page on Facebook. Declarations of Love is the name. :) Anyway, after she finished speaking, she played a song for us. Jenn Johnson sings it and I don't even recall the words to it, but it was all about loving God and how he makes her happy. At first, I just sat and soaked in the words, letting them make there way through my ears and down into my heart, nestling themselves into the depths, the secret places. They went into cracks and crevices I didn't know were there, because once the song was nearing the end, I broke and the rain started falling and falling and falling until little puddles showed themselves on my sweatshirt and pant leg.

During the ending of the song, as Jenn sang her love to God, God whispered very gently a reminder, something I had let go of- that I am more important than what I do. It was a love song just for me and the words of the song melted my heart into a soft, pliable clay that he began to reshape. His lips spilled words of love all over me as I held my head in my hands, trying to keep my crying as silent as possible (I was supposed to be there for the students, not me! Ha!).

In the last couple weeks, my circumstances have taken an interesting turn and all my thoughts had turned toward what I was going to do, both temporarily and in the long run. I thought I had lost my dreams and strived to find out what A'lyce should be DOING with her life.

I forgot how to be, even if for only a moment. But in that moment, I lost sight of my Lover and his heart for me.

Later in the afternoon, I paid a visit to Borders where my free Vanilla latte (it pays to drink Seattle's Best!) and free Wi-Fi awaited me. I scrolled through pages of beads and apartments and cars and jobs, trying to figure out ways to force the puzzle pieces of my life together. We all know how that works. It doesn't. And then on Facebook, I notice a wedding video posted by Danny Silk (friends of his, I guess) and I decided to watch it. Oh me, oh my. Waterworks session, number two happens right there. People are watching me as I am watching the video, tears streaming down my face. It was the most simple, elegant, beautiful wedding I have ever seen. In it was portrayed deep love that had conquered fear, freedom, and sooo much joy. In it, my God sang again a love song to me.

I am more important than what I do.

Nothing really triggered the third set of fallen tears. I just started crying. Ha. I think it was just leftovers that needed to come out and afterwards, I felt light and fluffy, like a cloud.

And throughout the entire day I kept thinking about kites and hot air balloons. Kites are much more unpredictable and harder to control, trying to lift you of the ground and plant your face in the mud. Trust me, I flew a two-stringed kite the other day and it was a blast...However, if that wind was any stronger, I would have been picked up and body-slammed into the concrete wall.

And hot air balloons seem more graceful, allowing you to take in the view all around you without have to solely focus on keeping it in the air like you would a kite. Kites are adventurous and daring and hot air balloons are luxurious and peaceful.

I have been trying to fly the kite; trying to control where it goes and what it does. It totally keeps crashing.

Now, I'm dropping the strings and stepping into the hot air balloon. I no longer have my sites on just a kite, but everything around me- the gorgeous scenery of my life in 360 degree view and it's all about love. Love is sewn into the tapestry of my heart with everything that my Lover is. He is love. My Love. And my eyes are fixed on Love.

I love.

Love.

It's my favorite thing on the planet and probably in all of life wherever it goes.

I remember receiving amazing encouragement from Mark Crawford saying that my highest calling is just to love people. That was during my first year of Potter's House and I have always brushed aside that word. But. But, it is the one word that rings within me the loudest. 

As I write this, I think of all the days, hours, and heart-racing minutes of my life spent trying to avoid people, trying to be invisible and yet screaming to be seen. Haha. God is so good. I just want to dump Him in a bucket and splash him in peoples' faces like cold water... Wake-y wake-y!

I think of my heart and the 20 bazillion foot wall that I built to keep out every person I've ever come into contact with. Haha. Crazy God knew better. 

Every time I write of my heart in the aspect of people, there's always something new that pops up. And tonight, God told me something loud and clear in the most unexpected moment of my life. It's the point in life when I've just been asked to be in a relationship by an incredible man I am beginning to adore. It's the time in life when I find myself longing to be surrounded by people, to see the goodness in them and to tug on it, pulling it out where others can see and marvel. It's the time in my life when I am flying at my highest and am still ascending, seeing more and more. It's the time in life when I am loving my listening gift and learning how to use it even more. Haha... All I can do is laugh because love and joy and peace are flowing out of me like a river. I am filled with courage, confidence, light, and life...and most of all- love. Love, love, love.

All this is going on and in this unexpected moment tonight, being surrounded by friends and finding myself thinking about different situations I've found myself in where I'm finding the gold nuggets in people and showing them to others, God clearly says to me, "You are a lover."

That's it. And in that moment, my mind flips back to what Mark said to me that day and all I can do is smile and think in awe. I never thought I would reach this point and here I am, more awesome than I thought I was. Haha...I know the value of myself, now. I know the love I hold from the God of the flippin universe. 

And love looks different all the time to me, but right now, it's found in just listening and seeing the good in people. I was made to love and be loved by Him and in all that, let love flow from me to others. 

Love, love, love. I love to love and be loved. I want to love with a crazy, passionate love every day, all the time, like never before and differently in all situations. If there are never-ending facets of God's love that he shows us, then I will never run out of new ways to love people. That's what I want. 

Love.

I will love.

I live to love. 

I love to love. 

It's goodness in a bucket that needs to be thrown in peoples' faces... Grin.

Go throw some love in someone's face. ;o)

Jesus. Water. Colour.

Beware. This could be weird to your brains. Smirk.

Today I am thinking about Jesus, God, and Holy Spirit and what they look like.

Growing up, God has always looked like a huge glow worm (minus the night cap and the worm body). So, I guess he didn’t really look like a glow worm, but he sure did glow a lot. I mean, I couldn’t see any facial features, just an outline, and it was all light, baby.

 

Jesus always looked like the guy in the picture Bible.

 

Holy Spirit has always been a mist. It’s so weird, but when I didn’t allow myself to think deeper on him, her, it…? This is what I came up with.

 

Today, is different. I treated myself to an hour long bubble bath and there is a quaint little window that I get to stare out of. The sky was calm, bringing in soft, fluffy, rain-welcoming clouds. One of my favorite things is a bubble bath on an overcast day. I don’t normally take baths because I get really dizzy, but today was different. I mean, c’mon, I was in the tub for a whole hour! Goodness gracious. :o)

 

Today, Jesus was filled with water and I got to swim inside him. Soooo odd, I know, but I’m learning to let Him show me weird, odd things that would sound out of this world.

 

It started with just thinking about water. It is wet and can only take the shape of whatever it is dumped into, like a swimming pool or water bottle or even yo mouf! Water is great for drinking, swimming in, floating in, or if you are like me, sinking in. I’m sure there are soooo many other things about water that I have yet to learn, but I am only going to write what I thought about today. I have a friend who makes fun of me because I sink and don’t float in the water. I have tried and tried, and it just isn’t me. But today, I realized that all the good, cool, neat things to discover are nearly always at the bottom of the ocean. So, I’ve decided that I’d rather sink than float.

 

(Wow, there’s a really cute guy sitting in St. Arbuck’s. I will not be distracted! LMAO.)

 

Okay, okay, so back to this. So, I started thinking about Jesus and what He looked like. I decided to erase what I thought He looked like and just let Him give me another look at Him. I’ve had this whole thing about living in color since my second year in Potter’s House. Whenever I worship, I always feel and see colour (because there’s more than one way to spell color and I like that) dripping/pouring/spraying/whatever way it comes from my hands and eyes and mouth and ears, but mostly from my hands. Every time that happens I hear myself (or Jesus) talking in my head about living in color. I love it. When I go to heaven, I am going to literally be in the midst of crazy colours that I have never encountered before and I think that maybe I will even be made of rainbow colors…Who knows what we’ll look like?

 

Wow, okay, so I’m now in the tub thinking about Jesus, water, and color and suddenly I see myself pouring loads of water into an opening in Jesus’ head until He is full and then I jump in (cuz I’m this tiny little person and He was realllly BIG) and start swimming around. Now, I know that He is full of all things good, already. This wasn’t me adding to His goodness. This was me discovering Him in a new way, and sure, it sounds really bizarre-o, but oh well...I don’t want to encounter Jesus in normal, human-expectant ways. After jumping, I start swimming around. There are no bones, there is no heart or lungs or muscles or anything…Just water. Clear, crisp, beautiful water, and on the edge of the water surrounding me was vivid, tangible color that I cannot describe. Blues and greens that were in shades I don’t even know. I can’t even remember what they look like, now, but I know I saw them! So, here I am, swimming in Jesus, thinking about this water that I just poured in him that has taken his shape, his goodness.

 

Jesus had no face or physical insides as we know them. He was all color on the inside and it was moving into the water towards me, to soak me even more. I was swimming and living in colour at that very moment. It was the most bizarre, fun, fabulous, peaceful, awe-inspiring picture I have seen yet.

 

Jesus no longer looks like flesh and bones to me. I see Him as one much more than that. I was entirely limiting what He could show me about himself by only allowing myself to see him as flesh and blood, since that was how he came to and left earth. But I failed to realize that there is soooo much more to what he looks like…Today, I saw another facet of Him. He is sooo beautiful and crazy and odd and I love him for it. Love that He will go outside the lines if I will open my eyes to see it. It was like he was showing me himself from the inside out, just like he wants us to live…from the inside out. I love that phrase. Inside Out.

 

He lives in me, of course, but I also know that I hold a special place in his heart and I get to discover his whole heart if I want to. It is the glory of God, or Jesus in this case, to hide a matter, and the glory of me to find it. I always pictured Jesus having a huge heart, like three times the size of my own…but how can he fit alllll those people into that tiny heart, because that still isn’t all that large…

 

And then I felt Him say to me, “I am my heart. “ And then I saw Him as his heart and his heart was him…It’s all metaphorical, but really…Jesus’ being was the size of his heart…everything in him is his heart…I don’t know if this is making any sense at all. Haha… I am completely undone my this revelation of how big he really is. He loves me with all of his being. He loves me with all of his heart. Gah! I wish I had better words, but I don’t.

 

I love Jesus. I love, love, love, love seeing his inners and outers. Hahaha! Oh man, that sounds soooo weird.

 

Love it.